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| Me and Suzy risking life and limb about to bike up to the British Society coffee morning in Liangmaqiao. Beijing August 2012 |
I met Suzy while I was looking for the rubbish chute in our building.
Margaret I discovered in a cafe while searching out the stitch and bitch crafting group.
Margot was a fellow pregnant expat in a mums-to-be seminar at the local health clinic.
And then there was Aleasha, who I began emailing after she posted questions to a parenting forum about moving to Beijing while pregnant.
In hindsight, making friends in Beijing was easy because of the expat community was so welcoming, but it took a while to gain the confidence and the courage to just say hi, to strike up a conversation, to turn up to a get-together alone without the comfort of familiar face by your side.
Just say hi
When I came across Suzy in the hallway of our serviced accommodation in week two of being in Beijing, I was brave enough to ask her if she knew where the rubbish chute was, but nothing more.
She didn’t know where it was. We had a quick look around the floor together, tried a few doors, had an embarrassed giggle and said our goodbyes.
I returned to our little unit feeling really cross with myself. A friendly, English-speaking gal in this huge scary and very strange city, and I hadn’t asked why she was here, what she was doing now, and, most importantly, did she want to be my friend?
I spent the afternoon watching a knock-off Downton Abbey DVD, eating lychees and feeling sorry for myself. When Alex got in that night, I told him about my encounter in the hallway and we decided it was my mission to find that lady and make her my friend.
I did a small amount of loitering in the hallway the next day, but no Suzy. I was pretty sure I knew which flat she was in but what should I do? Knock on the door? Slip her a note? I was just feeling too shy. What if she was just on holiday here? What if she didn’t need any more friends, thanks very much.
The next night I was getting in the lift with Alex, when who do we bump into but Suzy and her hubby. I was still letting shyness get the better of me, but thankfully Suzy was not. By the time the lift had got to our floor we’d exchanged life stories and made a date for dinner the following night.
Like us they had just arrived in Beijing, like us they had been living in Sydney and just like us were originally from Europe. Happy dance. I had a friend.
In the four months we spent together in Beijing, Suzy made life so much fun. Suzy was a people magnet, she made friends anywhere she went and thanks to her many connections my own little social circle grew.
What would have happened had neither of said anything in the lift that night? I can’t imagine Beijing without Suzy. So the moral of the story is; don’t be shy – just say hi.
Remember everyone’s shy
If you’re still finding it hard to make that first move, here’s my five-point plan to making some friends, with a little inspiration from Suzy.
1. Start with what you’ve got.
So you’re in a new city and you don’t know anyone! Not a single soul! Really? In this age of social media it’s so easy to find friends of friends. It’s just possible someone you know will know someone in your city. Put the word out that you’re moving, ask your workmates, your friends, the guy who makes your coffee every morning and fingers crossed an email, a phone number or a friend request from someone in your new place of residence will appear. Then, this is the crucial bit, make sure you get in touch with your potential new buddy. On arrival in China, I had several email addresses but hadn’t contacted any of them. Too shy! By week two, Suzy, on the other hand, had already had coffee with a couple of friends of friends and had picked up a lot of excellent Beijing life advice and several lunch invites. I got emailing that night.
2. Join a group
By the time I’d met Suzy, she’d already joined 15 different expat groups and societies, while I had been sitting on the sofa. Inspired by her, I forced myself to attend a stitch and bitch crafting group in a local cafe. I nervously rocked up clutching my yarn and knitting needles, but there was no-one knitting. I took a seat near the window and checked out the different tables, trying to work out who the crafters were. About 15 minutes in, I spotted a lady at a table across the way taking out a ball of wool attached to a half-made pair of socks. Aha! Gathering all my courage, I tiptoed over to ask if they were the stitchers and bitchers. Thankfully they were. Margaret and Alison made me so welcome that morning: giving me the low-down on the group (most of whom were away on summer holidays), life in our apartment complex, where to buy water, and who sold the best bread {Pekotan in Central Park, if you wondered}. I went onto meet so many wonderful women through that group. Women from all over the world. Women who took me to Ikea when I was heavily pregnant. Women who brought food to the flat for us on the first night we got back from hospital after Ted was born. So much kindness and so much community. Thank goodness I went over and said hi that morning.
3. Say yes to every invitation.
4. Start a club.
So maybe you aren’t a knitter or you just didn’t gel with the book club you’ve tried? Well start your own group. With another couple of pregnant friends, we started a weekly playgroup for mums and babies in our complex. Once everyone had invited a friend or two we soon had a lot of women and very cute babies. It was a great support network and gave everyone a reason to get out of the house, especially in those early, difficult weeks of motherhood.
5. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.
Remember how making friends is a bit like dating? There will be times when for all your efforts you just don’t hit off with some of the people you meet. Don’t be disheartened: it’s not you, it’s them! Really. Dust yourself off and keep trying.
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| Now go and make some friends. That’s an order from Suzy Fun at the James Bond-themed British Ball, Beijing, 2012. |
It’s so easy to feel like an outsider when you first arrive in a new place – whether you’ve just moved across a county, a state, a country or a continent. Sitting on the sidelines, it can look like everyone has a friend except for you. But trust me, they don’t. So turn off Downton Abbey, put down those lychees and get yourself along to something, anything, now. You never know, you might just run into your very own Suzy.
